


cognitive dissonance and self-delusion

by hallelujah99



Category: Schitt's Creek
Genre: Alternate Canon, Cheating, F/M, Post-Canon
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-09-30
Updated: 2020-09-30
Packaged: 2021-03-07 21:54:27
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,396
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26734684
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/hallelujah99/pseuds/hallelujah99
Summary: David loved Patrick, he did. Stevie was his best friend who had a brief, meaningless fling with, years ago.At least, that's what he was really good at telling himself.
Relationships: Stevie Budd & David Rose, Stevie Budd/David Rose
Comments: 9
Kudos: 27





	cognitive dissonance and self-delusion

**Author's Note:**

> If your heart is set on Patrick & David, don't read this

David had always been exceptionally good at cognitive dissonance and self-delusion. It had been invaluable to him in his high school years, as he chatted secretly with older men and experimented with Alexis’s make-up while convincing himself he was straight. It’s ironic then, that he’d eventually use that power to convince himself he was in a faithful, same-sex relationship when he had been fucking Stevie for much of it.

It started totally innocently, because it had started before David even met Patrick. Sure, it had really started that day they were crossfaded and hiding in the honeymoon suite. But, after their brief hiatus from hooking up with each other to each get into bed with Jake, they had continued. It was during that time that David had set it up in his mind, pushed himself to accept some twisted form of reality where what they were doing wasn’t real if they just never talked about it and no one ever found out. They were careful, so insanely careful, which was difficult given the circumstances. The number of times his Dad, or worse, Roland almost came across them in a compromising position somewhere around the motel was not something David would even allow himself to think about.   
When they were hooking up, it sometimes felt like they were a couple of kids, just experimenting, being naughty and wild. Sometimes, it felt really, truly, deeply wrong. But most of the time, it felt like they were being pulled together by some invisible force, like David would suffocate if he didn’t have her right then and there, and like the only thing that could ever save him. 

When they weren’t hooking up, it didn’t feel like anything, because David did not allow it to. He did not allow himself to weigh the terrible immorality of his actions, or question why, even when he loved Patrick so much, he couldn’t drop what he did with Stevie. When he was hanging out with the two of them, Stevie as the ostensive third wheel, he didn’t think about the fact that sweet, trusting, faithful Patrick was none the wiser to the taste of David that could probably still be sensed on her lips.   
David thought he had it made, he really did. He had a wonderful boyfriend, everything one could ever want in a partner, beloved by his family. And he had the person in his life who he really, truly could not live without. It was a really good thing him and Stevie were just friends, because he knows the pain of a breakup, and he couldn’t possibly risk losing Stevie. David was the safe choice. The classic happy ending. Everything he could ever need, and nearly everything he could want.

It was one night not long before their engagement, that Patrick asked why David hooked up with Stevie twice but never again. David took a big sip of wine, hoping his discomfort would pass as embarrassment from talking about long-passed sexual escapades with someone he now can only see as a friend. “It was just...weird. We’re just friends who got bored and did some stupid shit and luckily saw that and stopped before it got any weirder.” He left out the part about Stevie’s confession of feelings and his escape to Amish country. He didn’t let himself think about the fact she was sitting on his face not 10 hours earlier. 

When Stevie cried at the news of his engagement, David thought for sure that everything was over. He thought his life was about to implode in his face, worse than even the time his family lost their money. He thought he was losing the one person he was desperate to keep. He feared her escape would also alert those around them that there was more going on than met the eye. He cried, too. And he was mad at her for crying, for running, for making him cry, because when he sat alone on his bed with tears streaming down his face, it was really hard to push everything into a locked little box like he had gotten so good at.   
When Stevie met him backstage with monogrammed towels, the message was clear. “This can be what I was crying about. Just towels.” And David accepted the towels with the clear message that he agreed, it was just about towels. 

After the engagement, they stopped hooking up. For some time. And if David drove back to her and enveloped her in a kiss after a drugged-up Patrick expressed dreams of becoming a father, well, it wouldn’t really matter because he was already a master of convincing himself that no, he didn’t.   
If David was good at convincing himself he wasn’t really hooking up with Stevie, and hurting Patrick in the process, he was a god at convincing himself he wasn’t hurting Stevie by staying with Patrick. He definitely never accepted that as a reality, because hurting her was the last thing he wanted. Scratch that, losing her was the last thing in the world he wanted. And if that’s not how you’re supposed to love someone, that’s fine; he was not in love with her.

It almost happened again, that day they say on the hood of her car, staring at the house that would soon belong to him and his husband. He thought it would, he wanted it to, and from years of experience, he could read every sign that she wanted it too. But it didn’t, and if David had allowed himself to think about it, he’d know it was because it would have been too emotional. Stevie wanted him to stay. And he was staying.

While waiting to walk down the aisle with Alexis, David wondered if Stevie remembered Previous Love playing that night in the barn. That night they locked eyes, the night he decided that he might never be done with her. But it was his wedding, and that was definitely NOT the time to think about that feeling.  
In his three year marriage to Patrick, David never strayed. There were days Stevie would drop by the store and their shoulders would brush and memories would rush back, for both of them, he could tell. There were nights she’d visit them and Patrick would head up to bed, and David would feel his pulse all over his body and try not to feel like a bad person. The night that stuck in his mind the most was when Stevie called him, high off her ass and said, hidden among so many nonsensical things “I think I forgot what platonic means”

All things considered, it’s a wonder that had nothing to with divorce. It started with Patrick peering into every stroller that passed them and ended with him offering David a great deal of money in the settlement so that he could keep the house, because it had the perfect yard to play in.  
Patrick apologized in the elevator at the courthouse, saying he thought he could put it all aside, but he just couldn’t feel complete without becoming a dad.

David considered what completeness is supposed to feel like, and if there’s a version of it that doesn’t include the terrifying fear of loss, as he climbs into beside Stevie that night.  
“Ugh,” she said, grabbing her stomach, “all that fried food was definitely a mistake.” It was a long-established communication method for “let’s not hook up tonight” that he hadn’t heard in a while and it hurt, as it was a reminder of all the things he tried not to remember (that is, the times they didn’t have stomach issues)  
He found it interesting that she had said it all, that she was thinking back to events that had ended years ago. He wondered if she didn’t wanna hook up because she thought he should heal from the divorce first. And yes, he did need to heal from the divorce. But at the same time, she could never be a rebound or a coping mechanism for him. She was in his heart before and during in Patrick, and she’d live there long after.

As he fell asleep next to her, he wondered if he’d ever be brave enough to make the leap. He was divorced now, single, free. But now, she was truly all he had left. He couldn’t lose her too.

**Author's Note:**

> I'd love some comments, even though I kind of anticipate this kind of story would only invite hate comments. 
> 
> To be honest, I have no idea why I'm a Stevie/David shipper, especially as a gay person who has always loved same-sex pairings. I guess as a usual gay-shipper, I'm so used to reinterpreting "friendly" interactions and bending canon to my will that it all makes sense in a roundabout way. 
> 
> Anyway, if you read this and actually enjoyed it, that's awesome! If not, I understand. Hope everyone has a great day!


End file.
